If it was up to my mother nothing would ever change in this sess-pit of a house. The only things that have changed have been the flooring in the kitchen after the old one got a tear in it, new furniture in the livingroom since a family friend was giving her old stuff away and I wanted the couch and the chairs just came with it and then there's my room which has been painted twice after much nagging, whining and general determination. If she ever put as much effort into getting things done as I'm forced to do instead of just making plans, theorising about what *could* be done but never actually doing anything about it then maybe the house wouldn't be in the state it's in. I would never live in a house like this, it's just so ramshackle. I already have ideas for what I would do with a house of my own, colour schemes, what furniture I'd like, actual unifying themes instead of bits and bobs thrown together in a magnolia room (she's obsessed with magnolia). Sure, my room may be an ugly colour right now but at least I try new things once in a while while she would just love for me to stay in the room I was born in. I'm twenty, I need some more space than I did when I was a baby, as shocking as that may be. It's no wonder I have shit piled up in the study, where else am I supposed to put it? If I was in the bigger room I could have some books stacked in the book shelf part of a new desk I ordered (I've had my current desk since I was a kid...) and my set of drawers could easily be wheeled across the hallway into there and BAM you've gained like, a square meter of room right there, not to mention I could move the chair into the bigger room since no-one uses it currently and then I wouldn't have to order a chair (although I really want to, the one I've been looking at is so pretty!). I'm just so frustrated that she is so damn willing to remain perfectly static. As I recently read somewhere, a goal without a plan is just a dream and that's all she does. It's even more annoying because I know she's doing it and she doesn't realise because I know I do it too but these are things I am actually up to doing and she's just weighing me down from one of the few things I'm motivated to do.

Just, argh :|

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1 . Try everything twice. On Madam’s tombstone (of Whelan’s and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice … Loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of thosegrouches)
3. Keep learning:  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. “An idl e mind is the devil’s workshop.” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
 6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.  LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time. And if you don’t send this to at least 4 people - who cares? But do share this with someone .

Lost time can never be found.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!

I just had the most depressing, annoying, invigorating conversation of the summer so far; unsurprisingly, it was with my grandma. It started out as a somewhat attack on my 'unhealthy lifestyle' consisting of being nocturnal, no joke. It's unhealthy, unnatural and downright odd that I'm awake at night and sleep during the day, even if that's what people who work nights do without everyone telling them they're going to end up commiting suicide because of it. After explaining that it made no difference what hours I was awake and was actually to the benefit of my mother and myself as I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed when she comes home and ripe to entertain her rather than tired from my long productive day of... reading and at night there are less people on the internet so it goes faster. Then we got onto the subject of what I want to do with myself and my depression. Well considering how lethargic I am of course I don't have a set life goal or I wouldn't be in this state. We talked about possible careers but seeing as I want to be an author but have no stories to tell since I've had no real life experiences that would be difficult, I don't want to be a teacher because I can't teach (I do not have the confidence, command the authority or know enough about my subject, more on that later) and they have crap wages and being a lecturer is no better. I could continue with my education but herein the problem lies as the education I have paid for so far has been seriously overvalued. I can honestly say I have learned very little since being at university and know for a fact I have learned more in a year in school than I have in the two years for university. Yes, it is partially if not wholly my fault as I don't seek out a wider range of reading material or whatever but the fact that I am not being penalised for this lack of knowledge (I average about 60% which is what most people get anyways) simply encourages me to continue, after all why strive to be part of the 2-4% who get over 70 when I can coast by without putting in the effort? Anyways, this was all a part of the depressed stage in the conversation as it was pretty much shoved in my face that currently my life is a meaningless existence.

Then we started talking about christianity! Goody! We talked about the big deal with christians hating the da vinci code (turns out jesus being the son of god is pretty important as he died for our sins and came back to life to act as a go-between between people and God) but what really got me riled up (this time) was original sin. So we're all born with sin as punishment for adam and eve. Pretty mean of God, is it not, to still be making us innocent descendents for something we had no control ever? But anyway, so we're still being punished BUT we have the salvation of Jesus Christ who died for our sins to absolve us of the aforementioned sin if we take God into our hearts and Jesus as our saviour. Great. So you can commit sins from sun up to sun down but as long as you repent afterwards you're all set to go to heaven. Lead a good life free of sin but not as a christian and it's to the pits of fiery hell for you. What. The. Fuck? BUT apparently you also get judged based on your knowledge so if you live a good life but don't have God in your heart because you haven't heard of christianity, you should be good to go. Maybe even if you didn't have the knowledge of concepts rather than just the iconic figure of Jesus and a mish-mash of ideas? I don't know. But it seems that MAYBE then it would be more... reconcilable. A God who punishes those who haven't heard of him for not embracing him would not be a God I could see myself worshipping because that is just.. unreasonable.

So that's one of the many many problems I have with christianity sorted. Now how about the whole sex is evil even though it's how we procreate and is a natural part of life thing? Or the fact that Old Testament God killed left, right and centre but I'm supposed to believe there's a merciful God?

We did have a discussion about evil based on the story of Job, turns out that was all because Satan believed Job would denounce God if he threw enough shit his way and God said, "Nah man, Job's cool, you be trippin'," so TO PROVE A POINT TO SATAN God let him kill his family, take his wealth, put sores on his body so he was forced to live outside where the dogs could lick his sores and generally piss all over his life. Um.... Tell me again why I'm supposed to worship a God who does this? Oh but of course after he proved his loyalty everything got returned twice over. So the dead family members were brought to life? The pain and suffering was magically erased? The sons and daughters he had afterwards just wrote over the fact that he lost all his children before that he had raised and loved? No, that's not how life works. Good stuff happening doesn't take away the pain of the bad stuff. Hell, if he'd asked Job if it's okay to murder his kids but it's okay cause I'll give you new ones, pretty sure he would have just stuck with the ones he had, if that's alright with you. That is some seriously messed up logic. Evil existing because in the end it's all for the good and maybe I'll tell you why I killed your whole family and let you get raped and beaten and murdered is not cool. And then you expect these same people to turn around and say it's okay, I have faith God is destroying my spirit for a reason and if they don't you send them to eternal damnation? Who comes up with this stuff?!

So ever since I was little girl I wanted a big wedding. I wanted the adoring crowd, the attention, the big white dress. The big white disney princess dress and a tiara or a veil and maybe gloves and something old and something new and something borrowed and something blue because that's how you do it. You don't wait your whole life to find The One and then not do it right. It would be in a castle or some similarly large and beautiful building since although a Cathedral would be my first choice for the stained glass windows and the tradition and the scope it would have been a tad hypocritical since I'm not religious (my grandma would have been pleased though). The reception would be in the place I had my sixth form midsummer ball, an elegant room with lots of table space, a lake, a patio and a big garden with romantic little pathways and secluded seating. We'd have a chinese buffet because contrary to appearances, I don't want a stuffy affair. The reception is our chance to undo our ties and let our hair down so we'd have a buffet and a chocolate fountain and a cheesy old school dj with flashing lights and smoke and we would eat and drink and dance and be young and wild. Of course at the end of the night we would have to throw the bouquet to the adoring crowd and then he would remove my garter and throw that to the adoring crowd too and we would ride off into the sunrise in a limousine and have drunk insatiable sex in the backseat because we are two kids in love who couldn't wait till we got to the hotel; the honeymoon starts here.

Shame I don't have any of the people necessary to make such a wedding a viable option. I don't have The One, I don't even have The Possible Choice or his close runner The Guy Who Would Be Okay, I Guess. I don't have a crowd, let alone an adoring one. Hell, I don't even want my father there so I'm really cutting it fine even on the people who, by rights, should be a done deal. I have a small family that I consider family (dad's side doesn't count since, well, I don't know them?) and an even smaller circle of friends that I consider friends. Ergo, no big wedding. It kinda sucks when dreams don't come true, doesn't it?

But you know what? No matter who I wind up standing opposite, no matter who goes or doesn't go, I will still have my disney princess dress. Nobody can take that away from me.

Would people please stop obsessing over paedophilia? Seriously, what the hell created this sudden interest? Pretty sure more children need protecting from childhood obesity or lack of an education than the idea that they will get carried away and molested. Really people, find a new thing to get your underwear in a twist about. Here are some other things to get you started:
1) Global warming: even if it's not real, at least by doing our part we are making the world a better place to live in for the long term
2) Energy crisis: we're running out of fossil fuels, do we freak out and fight over what's left or begin the turn to using renewable energy sources? Hmm, that's a toughie...
3) Global health problems: global meaning we start focusing on those who have nothing rather than those who are overweight from having too much (oh noes!) and try and tackle the 'big killers' like aids, tb, cancer etc.

Damn, if I see one more newspaper front page article or tv advert that is telling me to 'think of the children (in a non-sexual manner)!' I will scream.

Okay soo I'm back home for the summer and plan on not working for the first time since '03 and am just gonna reaad and do artss and veg. And diet, bleh :( Anywho, the indoor bbq only had like 11 of us on thurs due to people having exams and the rain but it was so much fun! Who knew?! Met ramone's friend ashley and we have such a scarily similar sense of humour, it rocked! There were many inside jokes by the end of the night including heads popping up in random places, the (invisbile) flipchart to keep score of our awesomeness, *old people* etc. and apparently since we watch 3 of the same shows (bones, house and brothers and sisters) everyone said we should have sex :| Okay guys, way to make things awkward. Except no because we got over it super fast and moved on to other funny stuffs. There was also twister (and for some reason an inordinate amount of ass-in-face poses were taken up and posteriors were photographed for posterity :D) and lou's friend ian was doing kerazy dancing; it was kerazy.

I do not want to talk about my exam. I crashed and burned on the second half :(

And what the heck, why do I not have magic to make packing up shizz go faster?! There are boxes everywhere, dude and I want to get on with scanning a years worth of stuff, ho ho ho.

Mannn I have not had PB&J sandwiches in forever and a day but today I was so starved (woe me, the lazy student during exam period who can't be bothered getting two buses into town to get 4 days worth of food) that I stole a piece of bread and some creamy peanut butter from a housemate, smothered the latter on the former with some (of my very own lol) strawberry jam, folded it in half and went to town on that bad boy! It was over in, like, a minute but it was the best minute of the past few days seeing as I've been living off dry cereal (no milk XD) and ham tagliatelli which I do not like. Gooood times. Apparently we're having a food free bbq on thursday? Yeaah none of us really know how to bbq and don't wanna buy food for other people when we don't know who's turning up so we will light the grill and people bring and make what they want haha. Um, should be fun times? Except not since I have an exam the next day and I didn't actually invite any of the 47 people (not including the 4 of us) so that ought to be interesting, cause I'm so good at having stangers up in my grill. This is sarcasm, my best friends of 2-5 years weren't even invited to my house on a regular basis for crying out loud, I like my own space! So yeah, I'm not exactly looking forward to it, more just kind of, accepting what is thrown my way? Whatever. If there is any kind of weedage or sam the guitar playing hilarious gay guy it will just be a bonus.

Oh oh and I *finally* found the guy and one of the quotes I absolutely loved from A level history talking about intentionalism in the nazi regime. Otto Dietrich said that Hitler intentionally created a "despotic tyranny by ruining the upper echelons of the government." Yeah he did! Wee :)

That is all.

Since this journal was originally intended as a sketchblog-cum-writingblog I shall actually share a random piece of writing and upload a huge sketchdump when I go home for summer. Sound cool? Cool.
This is in no way recent but all my recent snippets are rated mature and this is supposed to be an entry to prove how nice and normal I am (hahaha) so.. no naughty business for you guys!


The surface of the lake shimmered beneath the midday sun, one area almost blinding in its brightness. Holding his hand high to shield his face his eyes began to adjust and he saw that the light was someone’s silver covered head reflecting the rays of the sun as if the moon itself had fallen from the sky. The person began to glide towards him and he felt his breath catch in his throat. He had not been ready for the sight he now beheld, the overwhelming beauty of her. Her silver hair fell down her back, still in the water though the lake now lapped at her thighs. Her skin was aglow from the sun, or the water, or some unseen light that shone within her very body; and a glorious body it was. He noticed she was slim and toned and he caught a slight glimpse of the muscles working as her long legs pushed her forward. But though her body was undoubtedly lovely, he could see that the hair that had first entranced him was her best feature, second only to her eyes. They seemed to call to him, begging him to come to her, embrace her, protect her, never let her go. Large blue eyes rimmed with lashes so faint it was as if the drops of water were floating, eyes that would not look away from his. And then she was there, standing in front of him, within arms reach; he could hear the water as it dripped onto the soft soil, smell the salty water that couldn’t fully cover the scent of vanilla that seemed to surround her and felt a sweet ache radiating from his groin at the sight of this fallen angel.
He noticed the tiny freckles scattered across the bridge of her nose when she placed her hands on his chest, her eyes boring into his. Thoughts were running through his head too fast to be able to capture them for more than a moment; his longing for her had increased the closer she came to him. He yearned to touch her in any number of ways. Her eyes, gods her eyes were like lakes themselves, still but stirring in a way he feared even while it excited him. She was drawing his face down to hers, he could scarcely feel the warm gentle brushing of her lips against his but he feared if he forced her this dream – it had to be a dream – would crash around him. He hadn’t expected her skin to be warm as he circled his arms around her small waist but before he could finish this thought she was pulling away, floating away, back to the lake she had only recently left. She turned to look over her shoulder and he followed her numbly. He looked down and was surprised to see the water already up to his waist: he barely remembering leaving the shore, he could only think of those staring eyes and her lips on his. She was kissing him again, her lips pressed hard against his, eyes open, watching him watching her. Her hair was a fan of silver light as it swirled around them. He did not scream as he was pulled down. He still ached for her.

Lala this is just a random... thing, obviously based in no small way on the idea of the sirens/nymps/whathaveyou who lured men to their doom. The end.

I find it hilarious that the dictionary/thesaurus on my macbook pro actually has cum as a noun in it, referencing come (the noun) with the definition of 'an informal term for semen'. It's just another reason to add to the 'wish I'd gone for an english language degree' list so I could add to the awesomeness of the macbook pro by legitimising words like 'awesomeness', used, albeit unknowingly (I didn't want to re-read the essay, I already knew it was shit, okay?) in a history essay.

Moving on, I wanted to actually have a journal entry to prove I'm real and since I just had this conversation I figured I might share my pro-abortion views. I might make this a regular (read: monthly) thing to show another facet of my liberal to the point of wow-that's-really-out-there beliefs with the ocassional stop at JesusWhat'sWrongWithYou!Ville (that mostly concerns sexual practices and my laid back approach of, 'well if everyone was having fun what's the problem?').

So. Abortion. It is acceptable (I will refrain from saying 'good' as I wouldn't want to offend anyone, hur hur) for the following reasons:
1. I do not believe a bundle of cells/embryo/fetus possesses a soul. I do not believe aforementioned organism can be considered human with all the rights attributed and therefore disposing of said organism does not constitute murder.
2. I see no reason why an egg that unfortunately was fertilized by a determined!sperm is inherently more deserving of life than any of the other eggs flushed monthly from a woman's reproductive system. I do not believe the Hand of God (TM) reached into her ovaries/fallopian tubes/uterus and blessed this specific egg to be The Chosen One and frankly, if that was true and it happened to me, I would be fucking creeped out and reaching for the phone book to sue for sexual harassment.
3. If a seventeen year old girl has nothing better to do with her life than drop out of school and raise a child she can bloody well adopt one of the millions of orphans we have just lying around all over the planet and ruin her life for them because we do NOT need another 'surprise' mouth to feed.
4. I find it ironic that people who condemn women who would choose to abort an unwanted child rather than bring them into a bad situation (low living standards, fear of neglect/abuse on the part of either partner, the mother/parents aren't even able to care for themselves) call themselves pro-choice. I made some fun slogans for them to put on their bumpers to share with all their friends:
Pro-Choice: Unless you mean the mother-to-be, then just do as we say.
Pro-Choice: We know what's best for you (additional.. addition- and your unborn child better than you do).

Let the flaming/discussion commence!

I swear I will do a nicer update than this because I'm sure it makes me seem like the anti-Christ or something that my sole journal entry is dedicated to such a sensitive issue; I'm funny, really! And nice? Eh. Not so much, but funny, sure. Speaking of Christ, that'll probably be my next rave: On the Fallacy of Religion (TM).